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Tantra & Consent

Unless you are living under a rock or housebond with no internet you have to be aware of the national discussion about sexual harassment. I am sure much of this has left men confused as to how to behave. It should not. Being a decent human being is not difficult. Be honest. Treat people like you want to be treated. That is about it.

I think the confusion comes in when men assume that the attraction they feel for a woman is shared when it might not be. A man’s attraction to a particular woman can be based on physical traits, a certain look or anything superficial that speaks to him on a physical level. Although men often find this appealing and will be very complementary to a woman about how she looks. Most women are not impressed with this sort of come on. However this woman says it better


Pleasure is a funny thing. I have many people that I see who have a real fear of pleasure. Because of how they were raised or attitudes they have developed over the years, there is an idea that if you feel too much pleasure you will lose control and do things that you aren’t supposed to or shouldn’t do. In fact, that is not pleasure, but excitement and actually overexcitement. And that excitement is generally felt just in the lingam or fire chakra area. This can only bring limited pleasure. That over-excitement, with stress on sex being dirty or naughty leads to not being able to relax and enjoy the intense pleasure of sex.

That excitement comes from not being able to control sexual energy, and not having control over the emotions that sexual energy. Generates. It is seeing sex as an outside force and not being fully connected with the sexual energy of the body. Pleasure isn’t a dirty word. It isn’t something to fear. Pleasure is what our bodies our designed for. Feeling aroused should not be motivated by the idea of that sex is naughty or bad. Sex isn’t naughty, it isn’t bad, it is a way to feel loved, connected and to experience pleasure even bliss. Sex is good, Pleasure is good.

The Soul Connection Workbook presents Tibetan Tantra techniques that teach the following:

1-how to be completely present during intimacy

2-how to experience increased levels of pleasure

3-how to connect to your partner on a soul level

4-how to achieve full body orgasms.

This workbook is designed to for couples who want to integrate Tantra techniques into their lives, without a complete course in Tantra. I want to stress this course is designed to bring Tantra techniques into your lovemaking to increase pleasure, but is not a complete course on Tantra and the other benefits it offers.

The course can be ordered in the store

Tantra and Tantric Touch

Touch and touching somebody is a skill. One of the things I teach is the importance of touch, and how Tantric touch can increase the pleasure for both people. This is a skill and Tantric touch is not a difficult skill to learn.

However, when I work with couples one of the major topics to come out between the couple is how the man touches the woman. A woman that I worked with first and then her husband came to work with us explained it this way. She said her husband touched her with man hands. I knew exactly what she meant by that because for 25 years my ex-husband it touched me with man hands and it didn’t matter how often I said that doesn’t feel good, he didn’t care. But I think most men do care.

If I was going to explain man hands and manhandling it would be that it is grasping. It is not pleasant in the fact that it’s seems to be motivated by just grabbing whatever comes into view. I know exactly what it is and it’s sort of hard to explain. But I can remember back in high school when my best friend’s boyfriend came over to my house and wanted to take me for a drive which just ended up with him trying to make out with me, and grabbing me just everywhere in a really rough way. Then he asked as I wasn’t responding and was telling him no, “Am I not as good as so-and-so. I said. “no you’re not.” It was mean, but I was 16 and it wasn’t consensual touch.

Touching people is not hard. To do it right and bring pleasure is an easy skill to learn, but there has to be a change of attitude and presence. Your hands should embody compassion and kindness. And that doesn’t mean it has to be soft gentle lovemaking, that’s not what I mean it all. Some of the best sex I’ve had has been fairly rough but the man touched me in a way that was confident, no grabbing, but a smooth confident motion, it was an understanding of how the body works. Touch can’t move against the muscle, you can’t move against how the breast grows, you can’t move against how the vagina works. Tantric touch just really means a touch that is firm but not hard or painful. Tantric touch is confident and moves with the natural contours of the body and it brings deep pleasure.

I have to add this because I’m compelled to. One thing that is never pleasant and I never uses in a massage is the fingers kneading at the flesh, it just feels bad and a lot of men often do this. They will use their fingertips and sort of knead into the flesh, and it just does not bring pleasure it is an annoying feeling and I don’t understand why they do it.

Touch can be the most pleasurable experience if it’s practiced in the right way and that goes for men and women. It is always meant to bring pleasure. When in doubt always ask your partner if something feels good.

Does it feel good when I touch you this way?

What feels better and give them an examples of a couple of types of touch.

Communication is key to good touch, it is key to a good partnerships, and it is key to a good life.

Tantra and being present

One of the things I notice when I talk to people and work with them is the lack of presence. This is not just in lovemaking, but in all aspects of life.

The body is there, but the head is churning with questions and distractions. I have some people tell me they need to think about things to get excited;they need to bring back memories to get excited; they need to think about porn to get excited. All of this thinking, remembering, conjuring fantasy, takes us completely out of your body where we feel pleasure into a place nobody can feel, our head and thoughts. Our head does not generate feelings of pleasure our bodies generate pleasure.

The head is not where we want to be unless we have a task to perform like thinking about something, writing about something or solving a problem

Our thoughts are going to lead us into areas that we really don’t want to live in. We don’t want to live in thoughts, memories, fantasy, and confusion. That is where the head wants us to be. It wants to override the wisdom of our bodies and pretend like it is the center of control. And it feels like the center of control. And if you let it, it will be.

And most people will say. That is how it should be. Not so much. To truly enjoy life and sex, you need to be fully present. Fully engaged in the in the moment. If it is thinking about your work then think about your work, solve problems, stay in the demands of your work. However, if you are with your partner be totally present with them. When you talk, when you have dinner together. Gaze into their eyes, feel the love you have for them, ignore your mind and any critical thoughts or problems. Focus your body and heart on your partner. Let the pleasure arise from your heart and body.

Being completely present during sex allows you to truly connect with your partner and bring you into a soul connection. I believe what most people are searching for is an intimate connection, a truly intimate connection and that only happens in our body and heart

Intimacy and Tantra

A normal email begins I am missing intimacy. I haven’t had intimacy in my life for years. There was a time when I was confused and thought this was about intimacy, but no it was about sex. Sex and intimacy are not the same thing. In fact, the way many people approach sex it is the least intimate act in their relationship. Intimacy is a place of close emotional understanding. This can happen during sex, it doesn’t always happen, but it can. There can also be a huge disconnect between two people during sex.

I don’t use stories of my clients because that is unethical, so I am left with my sordid tales. This was some time back, I had met a nice man, and we went on a few dates. He came on really strong, emotionally. I like you, you are so so wonderful, you are so sexy. I am pretty immune to this line of compliments. I have been hearing it since I was 16 as most women have. I am not stating this as I think I am special, but as a matter of fact. I am positive most women have had exactly the same experience.

Anyway, back to the man. He took me to a very expensive restaurant for the first date and we went on a hike for our second. Then we planned on dinner at his house and sex. Which was agreeable to me. I believed there was some connection I wanted to explore. I made an awesome dinner. And we watched TV and he began to rub, grope, massage my leg. It didn’t feel sexy. It didn’t get me in a sexy mood. I was however, pretty drunk. I do not like drunk sex.

We went to bed and I will quote Trump, “he moved on me like a bitch.” I didn’t want sex, some things had been said during the evening that made me have a change of heart and I told him this. He either didn’t hear me or didn’t care. I am not sure if he had heard of foreplay. If he had, he had forgotten about it. There was no space for give and take, no space for intimacy. There was penetration and then it was done.

In the morning he made me whole wheat pancakes. There isn’t enough syrup in the world to make whole wheat pancakes taste good. Later that day he sent me an email about our “lovemaking”, and how intimate and wonderful it was. I was pretty fired up, but I waited to respond. Then I sat down that night and wrote an email back. I told him I felt emotionally violated and what he called lovemaking I would call rape. That was all I said and that I didn’t want to see him again.

Was it rape. It felt like rape. I wasn’t involved, I wasn’t responsive, I didn’t have an orgasm. At the best it was terrible, terrible sex. I could not recall worse sex. Even from high school I had more attentive lovers. I can’t say what went wrong, but I truly believe he though it was lovemaking and good sex, because he had never experienced either. He also used the word intimate as if it meant penetration. It doesn’t. Looking back I can see there was a huge disconnect as to what sex meant to me and to him. For him it was the singular act of penetrating a woman. For me it is the build up, the time touching, kissing, laughing, pleasing the other person, penetration is obviously a part of sex, but it isn’t the entirety. It is a part of a larger more intimate place. If you have grown up believing intimacy and sex are penetration. It isn’t. If you are defining intimacy as penetration or pleasing another that is very limiting.

How Tantra differs from Porn or the Giver Trap

This article touches on many of the issues I deal with in sessions with clients.

Many clients who are struggling with perceived ED problems or are looking outside their relationships for extra spice are in fact

coping with the inability to connect their emotional center to their sexual center. Sex and their lingam is something outside of them.

It has been compartmentalized. Sex is something to do to get off, not to experience intense pleasure.

Or the focus is on pleasuring the partner. What I hear over and over, I am a giver. I wonder If this is done because the person wants to maintain control or they are uncomfortable with their own pleasure. However, the giver position becomes a trap. The relationship, the intimacy is very one-sided. The pleasure that is meant for both people to experience is trapped. I found this article in one of my tantra groups. It explains the trap of being outside our body when we engage in sex when pleasure takes second place to other concerns.

I have a difficult time talking about this in a way that makes sense. But I have seen this so many times with clients. They are completely cut off from their fire chakra as we call it in Tibetan Tantra or their sex center. It is as if that area of the body exists without any integration into the mind and heart and emotional center of the man. This causes a lot of issues with the person, and with their partner. Sex is looked at as something dirty, something naughty that’s the way they can keep up arousal. However, when you focus arousal based on the idea sex is something dirty it is a lose lose situation. Sex is something wonderful and amazing. And I think most of us realize that and if we feel empty after sex it’s because we realize how much we are missing.

Great sex arises from a fully integrated self.

Tantra and Inclusion From Steffo Shambo

From Steffo Shambo and Tantric Academy


The beauty of Tantra is that it’s a spiritual path that actually includes everything in life.

The opposite of most of the spiritual paths known.

Tantra is to say YES to life. To embrace everything that it has to offer.

Taking everyday life and transmuting it into something sacred.

That also goes for the way you breath, walk, eat, sleep and think.

AND sex.

Tantra includes sex.

It is about 5% of Tantra, and today a whole lot is focused around that 5%, called tantric sexuality, sacred sexuality, or conscious sexuality.

Tantric sexuality does NOT exclude any sexual position.

To think that Tantra is just about eye gazing, 2 minutes hugs, drinking kombucha and making love in missionary.

Is wrong.

Tantra includes ALL sexual positions.

Tantra includes all spectrum of sex.

From the subtlest and gentle energy sex on the heart chakra.

To the most gross fucking the shit out of your brain sex.

To say that one of the two is wrong or not accepted… is not Tantra.

Tantra uses all that energy created and cultivated to transmute it into spiritual energy.

That is what it’s about.

Turning an ordinary mediocre life situation into a sacred spiritual experience.

By practice, intent, focus and love.

That is the secret of inner alchemy.

A tantrika can fuck someone hard with ravishment, love and consent.

And the receiving end can enjoy that as much as the giving end.

Together blown away in bliss and union with the universe.

Purpose of Tantra

Purpose of Tantra. A heart-true man’s priority is not to give and receive physical pleasure or emotional comfort, but to dissolve with his lover in the ecstasy of unbounded love. He wants her body and heart to open so wide that he is drawn into her love, and through her love, into an openness of love without bounds. He wants to let go of his sense of separation and meld with his woman, opening with her as one radiant heart of bliss. In this vulnerable, unprotected embrace, he wants to consciously ravish his woman with so much love that she has no choice – that they have no choice – but to surrender open as infinite love. – David Deida

Why Seek out Tantra

Tantra is a philosophy. It is a way of experiencing the world.

I teach Tibetan Tantra. It is based on Buddhist beliefs and can be traced back at least 5,000 years.  It is traditionally a linage based knowledge system and I began my study in a linage based tradition.

I certified later with a different group not from any failure on my part or my teacher’s part.  There was just a difference in our approach to Tantra.

I am not a self-promoter or a person that enjoys groups. I like working with people one on one.  However, there are plenty of people out there teaching without my experience or knowledge. My knowledge of tantra and healing are something that you won’t find with many other teachers.

I view Tantra as a holistic approach to life, health, and sexuality.  I have been practicing Tantra for 14 years, 4 years professionally.  Before I began my professional Tantra practice I was a traditional counselor for 12 years with a MS degree in Psychology and 2 years of PhD work in Health Psychology.  Before that I had 15 years of experience in teaching with an MFA in Literature and creative writing from Bennington College.

Tantra has taught me how to manage my emotions by bringing equanimity to my daily life.  Tantra has showed me how to manage my sexual energy to be more present and to have full body orgasms.  Tantra has also showed how to connect with universal energy to enhance healing in my body and to strengthen my body.

By being present and allowing healing to take place I am able to mange the long term depression that I began to experience in my early 40’s.   I am more self aware, and I don’t experience negative thinking or beliefs so it is easier not to slip into damaging self talk.


Tantra Secerts to enlightenement

Breathe.  That is right Breathe.  Everything becomes clearer.  It is the path to enlightenment.  It floats on the breath.  Your breath is your connection to the divine and universal energy.  It is what lets in the energy and by breathing out connects  you with the divine.

There are three main breaths and today I will present an overview of the first sutra.

Osho recommends to try each breath experience and find the one you are most in tune with and use it. Most people are naturally drawn to one form of the breath so it is not a right or wrong, good or bad choice, it is which one feels most natural to you. Also you aren’t trying to change the way you breathe as much as you are trying to be aware of the breath. Buddha achieved Buddhahood by practicing one simple mediation and that was to simply be aware of the breath; the coming and going of Parma. Each Sutra has the same purpose. Breath is the life force or Parma. When we are born we take a deep breath in and our body comes alive. Throughout our lives we breathe. It is something we can do and be totally unaware or we can be aware of our breath. In Tantra the cycle of breath is representation of life. The outgoing breath is a death and the incoming breath is a rebirth. To quote Osho “The gap between the two is of a very short duration, but keen, sincere observation and attention will make you feel the gap. If you can feel the gap, Shiva says, The Beneficence. Then nothing else is needed. You are blessed, you have known; the thing has happened.”
This is a completely simple technique that it seems almost something a fool would point out. It is non-intellectual. However, it represents a complete truth of our life cycle. We are born, we die, and the space before we are born is an unknown as is the space after our death. We can believe what we like, but there is never any certainty in that belief because we can’t know. We can only believe.
The first Sutra is as follows:

Radiant one, this experience may dawn between two breaths. After the breath comes in(down) and just before turning up(out)—the beneficence

This is the sutra I use for my own personal work. I am not saying it is the best. It is just the one I respond to most closely and innately understand. It is also a technique I was familiar with through Hatha yoga. However, I didn’t understand the philosophy behind it or that it had any meaning at all. I often teach this at the beginning of the massage and explain the philosophy behind it.
Another point to understand is the pause in the breath no matter how slight is a time when the body is neither working or thinking. The breath stops, the heart stops and the mind stops. Each of those brief pauses add up in our practice of a Sutra or meditation and over time that is where the benefit of the Sutra resides in the rest and calm received from being aware of the pause. That is the complete lesson. It is to be aware and to extend that awareness to feeling the breath come in through the nose into the lungs turn and come back out and up through the nose.

*A practical note: All of these conscious breathing techniques use the nose and lungs. Breath in through the nose—pause—breath out—pause. I explain it that way. The nose is connected to our lungs so we use it to breathe. The mouth is connected to our stomach so we use it to eat with. You can tell a lot about a person based on their breath. The higher up it is in the body the more tension and trauma they’re storing. I always encourage people to breathe deep into the body, into the center of the body. The more we breathe into the center of our body the more centered we are in our life.


This is a link to the Osho book.

Another book I recommend is The Compound Effect Darren Hardy