Monthly Archives: February 2018

What is ED and how to cure it

I have a surprising amount of men contact me because they’re worried about ED. When I talk to them and we discuss this, I find out is that they are able to have a erections, they are getting erections, however they’re comparing those erections to erections they got when they were 16.

Erections men get at 16, 17, 18, 19 and into the early 20s are extremely hard because of the high levels of male hormones in the body and because of the sensitivity of the body. However, no one stays young forever.

So what I hear from men is they are not satisfied with the quality of their erections and the fact that you’re not getting spontaneous erections. Spontaneous erections generally stop happening at about 38, 39 if you’re lucky late 40s. The reason they stop happening is because men gain control over their sexuality, they have had sex hopefully, a lot of sex, and they aren’t as quickly aroused as they were when they were younger.

None of this is a bad thing. It is just a function of nature and aging in general. True ED is when you can’t get an erection at all and there is no ability to get an erection. I have seen a few men like this however they are generally men who have long-standing health issues or long-standing issues of shame about sex. They often can be helped but it’s a longer process.

Most men who think they have ED generally just need more stimulation. They need more foreplay. They need more direct stimulation of the lingam and they need more patient and have more time to have sex.

They need to learn how to experience pleasure just for the sake of pleasure, not to feel a rush to get through sex to hurry and have a very brief short orgasm, but to learn how to relax, stay focused, receive pleasure, give pleasure and have a long full body orgasm that is truly fulfilling.

None of this is difficult stuff to learn. It’s easy and very doable in one session. In one seesion, you can get the basics and they can turn your sex life around. If you really want to study tantra and get more out of it by learning the meditations, learning more about the breath and learning more about the way the body reacts then I suggest take the course is not that expensive it takes about a month to complete and you have a set of techniques that can help you gain peace of mind, calm an overactive mind,and also give you greater pleasure in sex and in life.

Intimate Communication & Consent

One thing people, both men and women have confusion over is how to communicate about sex and do it in a way that is natural and not awkward. I will say it is only awkward if you make it that way. Sex is a give and take. Many people believing they won’t get what they want resort to manipulation, threats, coercion and other non-healthy means to get the other person to give them what they want. This is incredibly unhealthy. One, it creates deep resentments. It sets the person up for rejection. That in turn causes more rejection and resentment.

Most of us who are in positive sexual relationships want to please the other person and we want them to please us.

I had one man, a client, tell me that he got his wife to do things that she did not feel comfortable with by getting her really excited and then just pushing the issue. And then he was surprised when at some point in their marriage she shut down, she stopped wanting sex altogether, and their relationship became nonsexual.

That doesn’t surprise me, he had been manipulating her for years and she finally got to the point where she had so much resentment and so much pent up anger towards him for manipulating her, she shut down.

I don’t believe she was trying to punish him. I don’t believe she’s trying to hurt him. I believe she lost the desire to be with him because it ended up in ways that she didn’t want. She couldn’t trust him to do the things that pleased her. Plus, she was doing things that she felt uncomfortable with, and that discomfort needed to be addressed, and discussed.

Two acts that seem to cause the most discomfort in women are oral sex and anal sex. These are also two acts a lot of men desire. Guess what a lot of women desire them too. However, both require communication, clear boundaries, and knowledge.

I have talked to people about sex my entire life. And women do complain about men wanting oral. They have two main complaints, men thrusting into their mouths and gagging them. They also complain about men ejaculating in their mouths without permission. And last, smell. Men forget they smell also, some very strongly. Nothing a shower won’t fix.

A question a man can ask is, how can I make oral sex pleasurable to you. You might add. I know how much you enjoy it, I enjoy is as much and I would like you to feel pleasure in providing me with pleasure. Rather than make a demand like, suck my dick. You can make a request, I would love it if you sucked my cock. It makes me feel so loved by you. Then tell her when something feels good and don’t criticize. Instead of say don’t do that, say I like it when you do this more. Can you do more? Thank you it feels wonderful.

You aren’t acting out a fantasy or porn. You are in the moment, totally present and enjoying the pleasure.

Instead of making demands in bed make requests. Express your needs in a way the other person understands. As for anal. If a woman is completely against it and nothing about it turns her on, just let it go. A relationship isn’t worth throwing away because a woman doesn’t want to have anal. It isn’t. Also a lot of men have seen it on porn or heard their friends talk about it and are more curious than anything. Often after a man tries it they don’t really like it.

Anal sex is highly pleasurable for some women and men. It is a gender neutral zone, just like nipples. I know men who are nearly orgasmic from nipple play and women too. Nipples also gender neutral. Our nerve endings are all a bit different so it takes time to find out what feels good. What feels good to one woman doesn’t feel good to another. Try not to use the same moves. Anal sex isn’t pleasurable to some people at all. Others are very sensitive around the anus and enjoy penetration. However, educate yourself on how to have comfortable and safe anal sex as a couple. Look at is as an adventure. It doesn’t take the place of vaginal intercourse, it is just a nice change.

Communicate through requests and with love.

Don’t make demands.

Don’t use manipulation.

Express gratitude. I always thank my partner for the sex we have. It is simple as saying, thank you that was an amazing experience. And then add, I love you. I love how you make me feel. Whatever feels natural.

Does this mean it felt natural to me when I started to communicate this way about sex. Oh, hell no. I was used to making demands and taking them. It wasn’t loving and it didn’t get either of us what we wanted except for a divorce.

Sexual communication is a skill. You practice and learn. A good jumping off point is the book Non-Violent Communication. Or send me an email and I will send you information.

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Tantra: Yab Yum explained Yab Yum: The Symbolism Sexual interpretation: One of the most common Tantra practices is called Yab Yum. Yab Yum leans on the energetic gender polarity of a man and woman as it manifests in sexual union (intercourse.) The man sits with his legs crossed (Easy Pose or “Criss-Cross Applesauce”) and the woman sits facing him on his lap with her legs wrapped around his torso and lower back. Together, they represent Shiva and Shakti, the complementary divine masculine and feminine energies. Buddhistic interpretation: “Yab-yum is generally understood to represent the union of wisdom and compassion. In Buddhism the masculine form is active, representing the compassion and skillful means (upaya) that have to be developed in order to reach enlightenment. The feminine form is passive and represents wisdom (prajna – process, Becoming), which is also necessary to enlightenment. United, the figures symbolize the union necessary to overcome the veils of Maya, the false duality of object and subject.” Hinduistic interpretation: “In Hinduism the yab-yum has avery different meaning. There, the embraced posture represents the divine strength of creation. The Hindu concept is the one of a passive masculine deity (Being) embracing his spouse called shakti, which represents his activity or power.“