A normal email begins I am missing intimacy. I haven’t had intimacy in my life for years. There was a time when I was confused and thought this was about intimacy, but no it was about sex. Sex and intimacy are not the same thing. In fact, the way many people approach sex it is the least intimate act in their relationship. Intimacy is a place of close emotional understanding. This can happen during sex, it doesn’t always happen, but it can. There can also be a huge disconnect between two people during sex.
I don’t use stories of my clients because that is unethical, so I am left with my sordid tales. This was some time back, I had met a nice man, and we went on a few dates. He came on really strong, emotionally. I like you, you are so so wonderful, you are so sexy. I am pretty immune to this line of compliments. I have been hearing it since I was 16 as most women have. I am not stating this as I think I am special, but as a matter of fact. I am positive most women have had exactly the same experience.
Anyway, back to the man. He took me to a very expensive restaurant for the first date and we went on a hike for our second. Then we planned on dinner at his house and sex. Which was agreeable to me. I believed there was some connection I wanted to explore. I made an awesome dinner. And we watched TV and he began to rub, grope, massage my leg. It didn’t feel sexy. It didn’t get me in a sexy mood. I was however, pretty drunk. I do not like drunk sex.
We went to bed and I will quote Trump, “he moved on me like a bitch.” I didn’t want sex, some things had been said during the evening that made me have a change of heart and I told him this. He either didn’t hear me or didn’t care. I am not sure if he had heard of foreplay. If he had, he had forgotten about it. There was no space for give and take, no space for intimacy. There was penetration and then it was done.
In the morning he made me whole wheat pancakes. There isn’t enough syrup in the world to make whole wheat pancakes taste good. Later that day he sent me an email about our “lovemaking”, and how intimate and wonderful it was. I was pretty fired up, but I waited to respond. Then I sat down that night and wrote an email back. I told him I felt emotionally violated and what he called lovemaking I would call rape. That was all I said and that I didn’t want to see him again.
Was it rape. It felt like rape. I wasn’t involved, I wasn’t responsive, I didn’t have an orgasm. At the best it was terrible, terrible sex. I could not recall worse sex. Even from high school I had more attentive lovers. I can’t say what went wrong, but I truly believe he though it was lovemaking and good sex, because he had never experienced either. He also used the word intimate as if it meant penetration. It doesn’t. Looking back I can see there was a huge disconnect as to what sex meant to me and to him. For him it was the singular act of penetrating a woman. For me it is the build up, the time touching, kissing, laughing, pleasing the other person, penetration is obviously a part of sex, but it isn’t the entirety. It is a part of a larger more intimate place. If you have grown up believing intimacy and sex are penetration. It isn’t. If you are defining intimacy as penetration or pleasing another that is very limiting.