True Love and how to find it

When I grew up we called it True Love, then Soulmates, now a Twin Flames. What does any of that mean? I don’t know. I know I  meet people I  love that I  can’t live with and that I  have lived even married  people I don’t love. I think Facebook has made it more important to put a public face to love and more pressure to label it as special. I know the difference between love and infatuation, and that seems to escape many people.

I have many clients who see me to discuss the idea they are missing some vital thing in their lives. They believe it is good sex, more sex, or more variety, I ask why they have waited until 62 or 74 to seek this out?  The sixties and seventies are not prime year for sexual exploration.   They just aren’t.  It is difficult to find like minded people.  Generally these men are married and have a fantasy to find a interested married woman that won’t want anything from them emotionally so they can explore this “sex” they have been missing.   I can’t even tell you what  a bad idea this is on all counts.

The reasoning is they have been married 30, 40, years and have not found sexual enjoyment in their own marriage and time is running out.  They love their wives but now want to explore other sexual feelings.  That is hard for me to even write.  You have been married to a woman for 34 years and have been sexually unsatisfied.  Why? At no point did you decide to talk about this, did you not bring up your feelings, did you not bring up your needs.  These men have told their wives of 32 , 34 years or more, they are going to seek other sexual encounters.  Obviously, the women feel manipulated and don’t want to give up the comfort and life they have invested years into and so give tentative permission.  They then come to me and seek validation.  I can’t give it for the simple reason they have a willing sexual partner at home that hey love, at some point you have neglected to nourish the sensuous, loving part of your relationship as a couple and now you think you can find intimacy in a sketchy side relationship with no emotional ties?  Also this behavior to me is a manipulative and damaging.

What True Love includes:

A key factor in a good loving partnership is honest compassionate communication. Another key factor is hot sex.  It is hard to get hot sex unless you communicate.  Followed by respect, equal division of labor–both people are contributing to the marriage equally. Lack of resentment, mutual attraction, and tolerance of differences.  Also the ability to be your authentic self, which means if I want to spend my Saturday watching cheesy Lifetime for Movies for Women it is okay for me to do that occasionally.  Couples that have True Love do not argue, they solve problems, they do not comment on the other person like a narrator in a documentary, instead they respect space and boundaries. And neither person tries to control the other. And they want to fuck each other, a lot.

Within those guidelines you can find true love.  It might not be infatuation or lust or that I can’t live without that person feeling.  Those feelings are generally illusory.   They don’t last. They don’t produce true intimacy.  And on the subject of intimacy, intimacy isn’t sex.

And having non emotional sex for exploration is a lie.  It doesn’t happen. And if one of the things you are missing is intimacy, non-emotional sex isn’t going to produce that.  Marriage, partnerships are a good place to have hot sex.   To be with  trusted partner to explore your sexuality is a good place to be.   If you have failed to  develop a satisfying sexual relationship based on intimacy, then it is never too late to do that.  You don’t have to look outside for what you have at home.  I can say that as a counselor, a Tantra Professional and as a woman.

Women like sex, we like it a lot.  I know this as I have women friends and they like sex. I have had a few friends that don’t like sex, but they have other problems beyond sex and I have had to stop being friends with them.  Yes, I know there are damaged women out there, but I also know that a loving relationship can go a long way in healing them.

It starts with honesty and communication.  True Love is honest and that is important in bed.  To be honest about desires, fantasies, needs.  Most women want o please their partner and most men at they same.  If you have not been able to do this, with the person you love, it is unlikely you will be able to do it outside your marriage.

True Love, Soulmate, Twin Flames at all different words for a relationship that works and includes red hot sex. sex3