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What is ED and how to cure it

I have a surprising amount of men contact me because they’re worried about ED. When I talk to them and we discuss this, I find out is that they are able to have a erections, they are getting erections, however they’re comparing those erections to erections they got when they were 16.

Erections men get at 16, 17, 18, 19 and into the early 20s are extremely hard because of the high levels of male hormones in the body and because of the sensitivity of the body. However, no one stays young forever.

So what I hear from men is they are not satisfied with the quality of their erections and the fact that you’re not getting spontaneous erections. Spontaneous erections generally stop happening at about 38, 39 if you’re lucky late 40s. The reason they stop happening is because men gain control over their sexuality, they have had sex hopefully, a lot of sex, and they aren’t as quickly aroused as they were when they were younger.

None of this is a bad thing. It is just a function of nature and aging in general. True ED is when you can’t get an erection at all and there is no ability to get an erection. I have seen a few men like this however they are generally men who have long-standing health issues or long-standing issues of shame about sex. They often can be helped but it’s a longer process.

Most men who think they have ED generally just need more stimulation. They need more foreplay. They need more direct stimulation of the lingam and they need more patient and have more time to have sex.

They need to learn how to experience pleasure just for the sake of pleasure, not to feel a rush to get through sex to hurry and have a very brief short orgasm, but to learn how to relax, stay focused, receive pleasure, give pleasure and have a long full body orgasm that is truly fulfilling.

None of this is difficult stuff to learn. It’s easy and very doable in one session. In one seesion, you can get the basics and they can turn your sex life around. If you really want to study tantra and get more out of it by learning the meditations, learning more about the breath and learning more about the way the body reacts then I suggest take the course is not that expensive it takes about a month to complete and you have a set of techniques that can help you gain peace of mind, calm an overactive mind,and also give you greater pleasure in sex and in life.

Intimate Communication & Consent

One thing people, both men and women have confusion over is how to communicate about sex and do it in a way that is natural and not awkward. I will say it is only awkward if you make it that way. Sex is a give and take. Many people believing they won’t get what they want resort to manipulation, threats, coercion and other non-healthy means to get the other person to give them what they want. This is incredibly unhealthy. One, it creates deep resentments. It sets the person up for rejection. That in turn causes more rejection and resentment.

Most of us who are in positive sexual relationships want to please the other person and we want them to please us.

I had one man, a client, tell me that he got his wife to do things that she did not feel comfortable with by getting her really excited and then just pushing the issue. And then he was surprised when at some point in their marriage she shut down, she stopped wanting sex altogether, and their relationship became nonsexual.

That doesn’t surprise me, he had been manipulating her for years and she finally got to the point where she had so much resentment and so much pent up anger towards him for manipulating her, she shut down.

I don’t believe she was trying to punish him. I don’t believe she’s trying to hurt him. I believe she lost the desire to be with him because it ended up in ways that she didn’t want. She couldn’t trust him to do the things that pleased her. Plus, she was doing things that she felt uncomfortable with, and that discomfort needed to be addressed, and discussed.

Two acts that seem to cause the most discomfort in women are oral sex and anal sex. These are also two acts a lot of men desire. Guess what a lot of women desire them too. However, both require communication, clear boundaries, and knowledge.

I have talked to people about sex my entire life. And women do complain about men wanting oral. They have two main complaints, men thrusting into their mouths and gagging them. They also complain about men ejaculating in their mouths without permission. And last, smell. Men forget they smell also, some very strongly. Nothing a shower won’t fix.

A question a man can ask is, how can I make oral sex pleasurable to you. You might add. I know how much you enjoy it, I enjoy is as much and I would like you to feel pleasure in providing me with pleasure. Rather than make a demand like, suck my dick. You can make a request, I would love it if you sucked my cock. It makes me feel so loved by you. Then tell her when something feels good and don’t criticize. Instead of say don’t do that, say I like it when you do this more. Can you do more? Thank you it feels wonderful.

You aren’t acting out a fantasy or porn. You are in the moment, totally present and enjoying the pleasure.

Instead of making demands in bed make requests. Express your needs in a way the other person understands. As for anal. If a woman is completely against it and nothing about it turns her on, just let it go. A relationship isn’t worth throwing away because a woman doesn’t want to have anal. It isn’t. Also a lot of men have seen it on porn or heard their friends talk about it and are more curious than anything. Often after a man tries it they don’t really like it.

Anal sex is highly pleasurable for some women and men. It is a gender neutral zone, just like nipples. I know men who are nearly orgasmic from nipple play and women too. Nipples also gender neutral. Our nerve endings are all a bit different so it takes time to find out what feels good. What feels good to one woman doesn’t feel good to another. Try not to use the same moves. Anal sex isn’t pleasurable to some people at all. Others are very sensitive around the anus and enjoy penetration. However, educate yourself on how to have comfortable and safe anal sex as a couple. Look at is as an adventure. It doesn’t take the place of vaginal intercourse, it is just a nice change.

Communicate through requests and with love.

Don’t make demands.

Don’t use manipulation.

Express gratitude. I always thank my partner for the sex we have. It is simple as saying, thank you that was an amazing experience. And then add, I love you. I love how you make me feel. Whatever feels natural.

Does this mean it felt natural to me when I started to communicate this way about sex. Oh, hell no. I was used to making demands and taking them. It wasn’t loving and it didn’t get either of us what we wanted except for a divorce.

Sexual communication is a skill. You practice and learn. A good jumping off point is the book Non-Violent Communication. Or send me an email and I will send you information.

Email at


Tantra: Yab Yum explained Yab Yum: The Symbolism Sexual interpretation: One of the most common Tantra practices is called Yab Yum. Yab Yum leans on the energetic gender polarity of a man and woman as it manifests in sexual union (intercourse.) The man sits with his legs crossed (Easy Pose or “Criss-Cross Applesauce”) and the woman sits facing him on his lap with her legs wrapped around his torso and lower back. Together, they represent Shiva and Shakti, the complementary divine masculine and feminine energies. Buddhistic interpretation: “Yab-yum is generally understood to represent the union of wisdom and compassion. In Buddhism the masculine form is active, representing the compassion and skillful means (upaya) that have to be developed in order to reach enlightenment. The feminine form is passive and represents wisdom (prajna – process, Becoming), which is also necessary to enlightenment. United, the figures symbolize the union necessary to overcome the veils of Maya, the false duality of object and subject.” Hinduistic interpretation: “In Hinduism the yab-yum has avery different meaning. There, the embraced posture represents the divine strength of creation. The Hindu concept is the one of a passive masculine deity (Being) embracing his spouse called shakti, which represents his activity or power.“

Tantra & Consent

Unless you are living under a rock or housebond with no internet you have to be aware of the national discussion about sexual harassment. I am sure much of this has left men confused as to how to behave. It should not. Being a decent human being is not difficult. Be honest. Treat people like you want to be treated. That is about it.

I think the confusion comes in when men assume that the attraction they feel for a woman is shared when it might not be. A man’s attraction to a particular woman can be based on physical traits, a certain look or anything superficial that speaks to him on a physical level. Although men often find this appealing and will be very complementary to a woman about how she looks. Most women are not impressed with this sort of come on. However this woman says it better


Pleasure is a funny thing. I have many people that I see who have a real fear of pleasure. Because of how they were raised or attitudes they have developed over the years, there is an idea that if you feel too much pleasure you will lose control and do things that you aren’t supposed to or shouldn’t do. In fact, that is not pleasure, but excitement and actually overexcitement. And that excitement is generally felt just in the lingam or fire chakra area. This can only bring limited pleasure. That over-excitement, with stress on sex being dirty or naughty leads to not being able to relax and enjoy the intense pleasure of sex.

That excitement comes from not being able to control sexual energy, and not having control over the emotions that sexual energy. Generates. It is seeing sex as an outside force and not being fully connected with the sexual energy of the body. Pleasure isn’t a dirty word. It isn’t something to fear. Pleasure is what our bodies our designed for. Feeling aroused should not be motivated by the idea of that sex is naughty or bad. Sex isn’t naughty, it isn’t bad, it is a way to feel loved, connected and to experience pleasure even bliss. Sex is good, Pleasure is good.

The Soul Connection Workbook presents Tibetan Tantra techniques that teach the following:

1-how to be completely present during intimacy

2-how to experience increased levels of pleasure

3-how to connect to your partner on a soul level

4-how to achieve full body orgasms.

This workbook is designed to for couples who want to integrate Tantra techniques into their lives, without a complete course in Tantra. I want to stress this course is designed to bring Tantra techniques into your lovemaking to increase pleasure, but is not a complete course on Tantra and the other benefits it offers.

The course can be ordered in the store

Tantra and Tantric Touch

Touch and touching somebody is a skill. One of the things I teach is the importance of touch, and how Tantric touch can increase the pleasure for both people. This is a skill and Tantric touch is not a difficult skill to learn.

However, when I work with couples one of the major topics to come out between the couple is how the man touches the woman. A woman that I worked with first and then her husband came to work with us explained it this way. She said her husband touched her with man hands. I knew exactly what she meant by that because for 25 years my ex-husband it touched me with man hands and it didn’t matter how often I said that doesn’t feel good, he didn’t care. But I think most men do care.

If I was going to explain man hands and manhandling it would be that it is grasping. It is not pleasant in the fact that it’s seems to be motivated by just grabbing whatever comes into view. I know exactly what it is and it’s sort of hard to explain. But I can remember back in high school when my best friend’s boyfriend came over to my house and wanted to take me for a drive which just ended up with him trying to make out with me, and grabbing me just everywhere in a really rough way. Then he asked as I wasn’t responding and was telling him no, “Am I not as good as so-and-so. I said. “no you’re not.” It was mean, but I was 16 and it wasn’t consensual touch.

Touching people is not hard. To do it right and bring pleasure is an easy skill to learn, but there has to be a change of attitude and presence. Your hands should embody compassion and kindness. And that doesn’t mean it has to be soft gentle lovemaking, that’s not what I mean it all. Some of the best sex I’ve had has been fairly rough but the man touched me in a way that was confident, no grabbing, but a smooth confident motion, it was an understanding of how the body works. Touch can’t move against the muscle, you can’t move against how the breast grows, you can’t move against how the vagina works. Tantric touch just really means a touch that is firm but not hard or painful. Tantric touch is confident and moves with the natural contours of the body and it brings deep pleasure.

I have to add this because I’m compelled to. One thing that is never pleasant and I never uses in a massage is the fingers kneading at the flesh, it just feels bad and a lot of men often do this. They will use their fingertips and sort of knead into the flesh, and it just does not bring pleasure it is an annoying feeling and I don’t understand why they do it.

Touch can be the most pleasurable experience if it’s practiced in the right way and that goes for men and women. It is always meant to bring pleasure. When in doubt always ask your partner if something feels good.

Does it feel good when I touch you this way?

What feels better and give them an examples of a couple of types of touch.

Communication is key to good touch, it is key to a good partnerships, and it is key to a good life.

Tantra and being present

One of the things I notice when I talk to people and work with them is the lack of presence. This is not just in lovemaking, but in all aspects of life.

The body is there, but the head is churning with questions and distractions. I have some people tell me they need to think about things to get excited;they need to bring back memories to get excited; they need to think about porn to get excited. All of this thinking, remembering, conjuring fantasy, takes us completely out of your body where we feel pleasure into a place nobody can feel, our head and thoughts. Our head does not generate feelings of pleasure our bodies generate pleasure.

The head is not where we want to be unless we have a task to perform like thinking about something, writing about something or solving a problem

Our thoughts are going to lead us into areas that we really don’t want to live in. We don’t want to live in thoughts, memories, fantasy, and confusion. That is where the head wants us to be. It wants to override the wisdom of our bodies and pretend like it is the center of control. And it feels like the center of control. And if you let it, it will be.

And most people will say. That is how it should be. Not so much. To truly enjoy life and sex, you need to be fully present. Fully engaged in the in the moment. If it is thinking about your work then think about your work, solve problems, stay in the demands of your work. However, if you are with your partner be totally present with them. When you talk, when you have dinner together. Gaze into their eyes, feel the love you have for them, ignore your mind and any critical thoughts or problems. Focus your body and heart on your partner. Let the pleasure arise from your heart and body.

Being completely present during sex allows you to truly connect with your partner and bring you into a soul connection. I believe what most people are searching for is an intimate connection, a truly intimate connection and that only happens in our body and heart

Intimacy and Tantra

A normal email begins I am missing intimacy. I haven’t had intimacy in my life for years. There was a time when I was confused and thought this was about intimacy, but no it was about sex. Sex and intimacy are not the same thing. In fact, the way many people approach sex it is the least intimate act in their relationship. Intimacy is a place of close emotional understanding. This can happen during sex, it doesn’t always happen, but it can. There can also be a huge disconnect between two people during sex.

I don’t use stories of my clients because that is unethical, so I am left with my sordid tales. This was some time back, I had met a nice man, and we went on a few dates. He came on really strong, emotionally. I like you, you are so so wonderful, you are so sexy. I am pretty immune to this line of compliments. I have been hearing it since I was 16 as most women have. I am not stating this as I think I am special, but as a matter of fact. I am positive most women have had exactly the same experience.

Anyway, back to the man. He took me to a very expensive restaurant for the first date and we went on a hike for our second. Then we planned on dinner at his house and sex. Which was agreeable to me. I believed there was some connection I wanted to explore. I made an awesome dinner. And we watched TV and he began to rub, grope, massage my leg. It didn’t feel sexy. It didn’t get me in a sexy mood. I was however, pretty drunk. I do not like drunk sex.

We went to bed and I will quote Trump, “he moved on me like a bitch.” I didn’t want sex, some things had been said during the evening that made me have a change of heart and I told him this. He either didn’t hear me or didn’t care. I am not sure if he had heard of foreplay. If he had, he had forgotten about it. There was no space for give and take, no space for intimacy. There was penetration and then it was done.

In the morning he made me whole wheat pancakes. There isn’t enough syrup in the world to make whole wheat pancakes taste good. Later that day he sent me an email about our “lovemaking”, and how intimate and wonderful it was. I was pretty fired up, but I waited to respond. Then I sat down that night and wrote an email back. I told him I felt emotionally violated and what he called lovemaking I would call rape. That was all I said and that I didn’t want to see him again.

Was it rape. It felt like rape. I wasn’t involved, I wasn’t responsive, I didn’t have an orgasm. At the best it was terrible, terrible sex. I could not recall worse sex. Even from high school I had more attentive lovers. I can’t say what went wrong, but I truly believe he though it was lovemaking and good sex, because he had never experienced either. He also used the word intimate as if it meant penetration. It doesn’t. Looking back I can see there was a huge disconnect as to what sex meant to me and to him. For him it was the singular act of penetrating a woman. For me it is the build up, the time touching, kissing, laughing, pleasing the other person, penetration is obviously a part of sex, but it isn’t the entirety. It is a part of a larger more intimate place. If you have grown up believing intimacy and sex are penetration. It isn’t. If you are defining intimacy as penetration or pleasing another that is very limiting.

How Tantra differs from Porn or the Giver Trap

This article touches on many of the issues I deal with in sessions with clients.

Many clients who are struggling with perceived ED problems or are looking outside their relationships for extra spice are in fact

coping with the inability to connect their emotional center to their sexual center. Sex and their lingam is something outside of them.

It has been compartmentalized. Sex is something to do to get off, not to experience intense pleasure.

Or the focus is on pleasuring the partner. What I hear over and over, I am a giver. I wonder If this is done because the person wants to maintain control or they are uncomfortable with their own pleasure. However, the giver position becomes a trap. The relationship, the intimacy is very one-sided. The pleasure that is meant for both people to experience is trapped. I found this article in one of my tantra groups. It explains the trap of being outside our body when we engage in sex when pleasure takes second place to other concerns.

I have a difficult time talking about this in a way that makes sense. But I have seen this so many times with clients. They are completely cut off from their fire chakra as we call it in Tibetan Tantra or their sex center. It is as if that area of the body exists without any integration into the mind and heart and emotional center of the man. This causes a lot of issues with the person, and with their partner. Sex is looked at as something dirty, something naughty that’s the way they can keep up arousal. However, when you focus arousal based on the idea sex is something dirty it is a lose lose situation. Sex is something wonderful and amazing. And I think most of us realize that and if we feel empty after sex it’s because we realize how much we are missing.

Great sex arises from a fully integrated self.

Tantra and Inclusion From Steffo Shambo

From Steffo Shambo and Tantric Academy


The beauty of Tantra is that it’s a spiritual path that actually includes everything in life.

The opposite of most of the spiritual paths known.

Tantra is to say YES to life. To embrace everything that it has to offer.

Taking everyday life and transmuting it into something sacred.

That also goes for the way you breath, walk, eat, sleep and think.

AND sex.

Tantra includes sex.

It is about 5% of Tantra, and today a whole lot is focused around that 5%, called tantric sexuality, sacred sexuality, or conscious sexuality.

Tantric sexuality does NOT exclude any sexual position.

To think that Tantra is just about eye gazing, 2 minutes hugs, drinking kombucha and making love in missionary.

Is wrong.

Tantra includes ALL sexual positions.

Tantra includes all spectrum of sex.

From the subtlest and gentle energy sex on the heart chakra.

To the most gross fucking the shit out of your brain sex.

To say that one of the two is wrong or not accepted… is not Tantra.

Tantra uses all that energy created and cultivated to transmute it into spiritual energy.

That is what it’s about.

Turning an ordinary mediocre life situation into a sacred spiritual experience.

By practice, intent, focus and love.

That is the secret of inner alchemy.

A tantrika can fuck someone hard with ravishment, love and consent.

And the receiving end can enjoy that as much as the giving end.

Together blown away in bliss and union with the universe.